It's a yucky feeling to be told that you are "too much."

Not rocket science here, this thought of mine, but I'm not sure if I've stopped to really pinpoint the cause of this tightening of my gut that happens fairly frequently when we're away from home. I like to be in control; pretty sure we've established this already. When you have four young ones, or children in general really, it's one long lesson of giving up the need to be in control because you frequently aren't. God is teaching me to be ok with that, to guide rather than control my kids and to relax and embrace the crazy sometimes. But not everyone is in the middle of that same lesson right now. And so when my kids are around and the crazy is in full force and I catch on to someone else's discomfort as a result, I take it personally.

I get it; I've got a lot of little people going all directions and rarely quiet. They exhaust me too. But still, when they actually make those feeling obvious they might as well just pin a note on me:"You fail!"

And so I am left in a place of lonely up-tightness. Really not a big deal, but just sad. In contrast comes to mind the few places and friends that are ok with our circus. They embrace the crazy with me, or even make me more able to do it because they don't mind. It's restful. And I'm grateful for such people.

So then I get to thinking, what feeling do I convey to those around me? I'm rather ;) introverted and as I said before, I like to be in control. I often have felt overwhelmed by crowds and commotion. But, if I allow my rising stress level to determine the way I'm relating to those around me...and then they are hearing me say that they are too much. And all of the sudden I get what a rotten feeling that is.

I think it's good to know my limits, but who says they have to determine how I treat people? And isn't Jesus in the very business of blowing down my human limits and getting me rooted in Him so that I can better love Him and others? Is it really ok for me to get grumpy because the crazy level has surpassed my mental comfort level? Or can I instead give myself a shake and say, "it's really not too much, let it go." Am I willing to give up a little quiet and control in order to better love people?

I've got to be. I don't want to create this yucky feeling in my kids or in anyone else that comes into my home. I want them to be able to relax around me, to know that they are welcome and wanted, no matter what circus acts they bring. That's what Jesus did: he had His quiet times but He also fully embraced the crowds that swarmed Him. And I want the growth this stretching will bring. Little me, on my own, gets easily overwhelmed and so it gives me the perfect opportunity to say "I've got nothing, Lord, love through me!"