It's a yucky feeling to be told that you are "too much."

Not rocket science here, this thought of mine, but I'm not sure if I've stopped to really pinpoint the cause of this tightening of my gut that happens fairly frequently when we're away from home. I like to be in control; pretty sure we've established this already. When you have four young ones, or children in general really, it's one long lesson of giving up the need to be in control because you frequently aren't. God is teaching me to be ok with that, to guide rather than control my kids and to relax and embrace the crazy sometimes. But not everyone is in the middle of that same lesson right now. And so when my kids are around and the crazy is in full force and I catch on to someone else's discomfort as a result, I take it personally.

I get it; I've got a lot of little people going all directions and rarely quiet. They exhaust me too. But still, when they actually make those feeling obvious they might as well just pin a note on me:"You fail!"

And so I am left in a place of lonely up-tightness. Really not a big deal, but just sad. In contrast comes to mind the few places and friends that are ok with our circus. They embrace the crazy with me, or even make me more able to do it because they don't mind. It's restful. And I'm grateful for such people.

So then I get to thinking, what feeling do I convey to those around me? I'm rather ;) introverted and as I said before, I like to be in control. I often have felt overwhelmed by crowds and commotion. But, if I allow my rising stress level to determine the way I'm relating to those around me...and then they are hearing me say that they are too much. And all of the sudden I get what a rotten feeling that is.

I think it's good to know my limits, but who says they have to determine how I treat people? And isn't Jesus in the very business of blowing down my human limits and getting me rooted in Him so that I can better love Him and others? Is it really ok for me to get grumpy because the crazy level has surpassed my mental comfort level? Or can I instead give myself a shake and say, "it's really not too much, let it go." Am I willing to give up a little quiet and control in order to better love people?

I've got to be. I don't want to create this yucky feeling in my kids or in anyone else that comes into my home. I want them to be able to relax around me, to know that they are welcome and wanted, no matter what circus acts they bring. That's what Jesus did: he had His quiet times but He also fully embraced the crowds that swarmed Him. And I want the growth this stretching will bring. Little me, on my own, gets easily overwhelmed and so it gives me the perfect opportunity to say "I've got nothing, Lord, love through me!"

"Therefore, Christian, Abide in Christ; Do it now."

I'm not sure I can yet completely untangle the thoughts in my head, but, as I have learned from our current 1st Grade studies, you retain better what you have to narrate back. So I am going to make the effort.

As I've been pondering grabbing hold of grace on a day to day basis, today Murray offered the best way to learn to abide in Christ was just to do it. Every moment, as it comes to mind, as you find yourself with a moment for clear thought, as you find yourself struggling with sin, as you are not struggling but have already dove in head first; stop and say in your heart, "I abide in You." Over and over again, practice this rest and preach this truth to yourself. Because we know, that if you are a Christian, you do abide: that is the very crux of salvation, Christ has rescued you from the pit and tucked you under His protective wing. Nothing you do keeps you there, but also nothing can separate you from His love and protection. You might not be living like you are abiding, but that place of rest is waiting for you to claim it. And it is a gift, pure grace that, even in the midst of sin you can stop and confess and return. You don't have to fix it first, only admit that it needs to be fixed, that you need to be fixed, and He will do the work.

And so,I have been begging for self-control and I keep thinking of "the fruit of the Spirit is....self-control." So I wonder, how does one take hold of this "fruit of the Spirit"? This morning I read where Christ says "Abide in me.I am the vine, you are the branches, apart from me you can bear no fruit." And I feel silly. He literally has to spell it out for me. How do I bear fruit? Abide in Him. Not try harder, not do and say the right things for longer this time. Abide. Rest. Let the Vine support my every need even while the Gardener does the pruning needed. I love direct answers.

My reading in "Abide in Christ" this morning was about God's day by day provision. In the desert He provided manna for the Israelites in such a fashion that they had to trust and be dependent on Him daily in order to make it through. In the same way, He provides grace to those who wait on Him in a day by day allotment. This requires me to come at the very least once a day and re-center myself in in His presence; realizing anew my own poverty and hopelessness and yet that I am complete in Christ.

In this train of thought I realized that there are two extremes of that I vacillate between and leave me stuck in sin and frustrated: 1. That this day is all important; I'm creating habits that I'll never get out of; I am a failure always be.
2. That I can cheat today; it's just once; I'll start over tomorrow.
To put it simply, I guess it's just that I either assign too much or too little importance to one day.

The truth is that today is not the end all. Tomorrow we get to start again and His mercies are new every morning. At the same time, the choices I make today are important and God wants me to abide in Him moment by moment, and not miss out on receiving the grace He has for me today because I choose to mess up today and try again tomorrow.

I'm always looking for the key or the plan so that I can cure myself from this sin for the long term. In reality, God has taken care of the long, long term, and now wants me to live and receive on a day to day basis so that I can also grow in Him on a day to day basis. Just as Paul begged to be delivered from his "thorn in the flesh" and God said no, He might leave me with my thorns also so I remember I can't do it on my own. Daily dependence keeps me right where I can receive His best for me.