This week I am fasting, from exercise.
Gee, that sounds rough you say.
Actually, it is.
It's rather embarrassing how hard this is for me, but that's one of the things that makes me think it's just what I need to do, or not do. And I know that Jesus said that when you fast you're not supposed to let anyone else know what you're doing, but I'm going to talk about it here. Because writing helps me process. And really am I telling anyone when I write here? Or I am just talking to the vast impersonal no one that is the world wide web? And in truth, to the vast majority, I'm pretty sure that my need to do this is just bizarre and strange anyway. Are bizarre and strange the same thing?
It's been awhile now that I've been struggling to find balance in my whole fitness/diet regime. The truth is really hard to see here because fitness is a good thing and it's also something I really enjoy. Probably a sort of hobby for me. I really enjoy biking and yoga particularly, but also the challenge that any good workout poses. I've even been running lately which I swore I'd never do. The problem for me comes in that I don't know when to stop.There is always more I can do. There was a time this summer when my normal routine was two to three medium intensity workouts a day. I realized that was kind of crazy when I was dreading my life because there was so little time between workouts. So I backed off to one workout six days a week and two on four of those days. This really might be ok, but I've become increasingly aware of the unrest of my metal state. A lack of freedom.
I was listening to Mark Driscoll last week talk about idols and identity and he said that if you look at what you are afraid of loosing then you might be looking at an idol in your life. What am I afraid of loosing? My current fitness level. How often do I think about and stress about that? Too much. I often go to bed feeling guilty for the workout to eating imbalance of my day and promise myself to do better tomorrow. And I'm really sick of it.
I've been reading a lot lately about freedom and grace and how God offers it to us and even died so that I could have it. And yet I'm living enslaved inside my head.
So yesterday I was talking to an honest friend and I agreed with her that change needs to happen but I don't know how. I'm a doer and I want to know what plan and steps I need to take to get this over-controlling under control. Err. Are you seeing some of my problems here? So I asked her how?! And she suggested fasting; maybe from exercise. My first response was fear. In my head I said, "oh no, I couldn't do that. I would loose all of the ground I have gained. I'll get out of the habit. I'll loose muscle tone." And the fact that my response was fear made me think that this might be just exactly the thing I need to do. "A scared man doesn't know anything about grace." God doesn't want us to live in fear. He wants me to "sit down on the inside because I have a God who knows what He's doing."
So all day I've been pondering this and am uncomfortable with the intense feelings it's brought up. I couldn't pinpoint my melancholy until I realized that while I'm willing to give this up, I'm casting around for something to take hold of. I like to have a plan. I like to rest secure in my own abilities. And I am not able to make this "giving up" worthwhile. I really want real lasting change to happen, but only Jesus makes that happen. And so a week of resting, waiting, emptying out, and doing nothing is scary to me. But "a scared man doesn't know anything about grace" and I really want to know about grace. "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose." This thing I am afraid of loosing is not something I am, in reality, able to keep. Better to give it up now before it "crumbles under the weight of being my god."
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