This morning I was wondering to myself about my motivation for doing this "fast." Or at least, what my motivation should be. I re-read Foster's words about how we should not fast to try to manipulate God. As I was begging for change, I wondered if I was trying to do just that. My reason should be to say, "I am giving this up because God is more important to me than this thing and if this thing is in the way, then I'll give it up." I later heard a song that said something along the lines of "we were created only to be a reflection." I spend a lot of time, energy, and thought on my workout regime and being in shape. How does any of that fulfill my purpose of being a reflection? Or does it only endeavor to fulfill my need to feel a sense of accomplishment? Just yesterday I was struck by how much I depend on a sense of accomplishment to determine my emotions. If I feel that I have not accomplished anything in a day, then I am down and feeling lazy and worthless. If I feel that I have gotten done what I wanted to in a day and maybe even a little more, then I'm feeling ok. One of the big problems with this is that I don't know when to stop. What is enough? Will there always be more to do? I have a hard time relaxing if there are dishes in the sink. I may have vacuumed the floors to day, but I could still clean the windows. Ok, I'll sit down and watch a video with the kids, but I'm going to work on photobooks while I do it. Or better yet, I will exercise while I watch the video. Have an engaging novel to read? Why not read it while on the exercise bike? I ran three miles today? I wonder if I could've done three and a half? Sure I worked out this morning, but I have a half hour free in the afternoon, while not do a quick arm workout then too? Kids are in bed and the sun is still shining, I'd better go for a bike ride! Get the picture? This is my head.

And then it gets just a little bit dangerous: Yes, I've lost 50lb. in the last year, but look at that roll that's still there, and there. Sure, I said no to the ice cream before bed but I probably could've skipped the afternoon snack too. Yes, I've been teaching my child this good habit and that kindness, but what about those that I haven't focused on? There is always more that I could be doing. And it's so exhausting.

It's only been in the last month that I was really struck by the beauty of the Gospel: because of Christ, I can stop. The world is imperfect; I am imperfect. There will always be a falling short of my efforts because the world is fallen. Christ makes up the difference. I was made for heaven, where everything is perfect. I want more because I want my home. God is a perfectionist too. The difference is that He can and has fixed the big problem and as he makes me more like Him he's not going to enable me to overlook the imperfections, He's going to set my sights on heaven and give me His eyes to see how His Son is the fullness in the now and forever. Grace makes up the difference. Grace makes it ok to stop.

So, I know that, but how do I act like it? My mind is so long engraved with this striving that I still don't know how to sit down. How to rest in Him. Where to I find the balance between what I am supposed to do and accomplish and enjoying a healthy sense of accomplishment and being my own "mean boss" assigning myself a to-do list that leaves me drowning?