The Desire to be Known

I've been pondering this week the human desire to be known. Why is that such a huge need for us? Perhaps it's one of the major tentacles from the original sin; we are completely known and understood by our creator but have severed that relationship and thus the "God shaped hole." We look for it in other relationships and they often succeed, fail, or even just struggle but how "known" we feel. Wives don't tell their husbands what they want but are severely disappointed when they get it wrong because they just want him to know. Your best friend is your best friend because she can read your feelings into a simple text. When you want a relationship to grow, you open up a little more; take the risk, let them know you. When someone surprises you with an insightful comment you feel unexpectedly close to them because they seem to know you, even that little bit, and you are grateful that they made the effort to notice and remember that. In Anne of Green Gables the search is for a "kindred spirit." In You've Got Mail it's, "...152 insights into my SOUL." All of this was triggered by the moments of unexpected understanding that I've experienced here in the hospital this week. This is particularly unexpected by me as I've never felt comfortable in any aspect of the medical world. One moment came from my doctor when she told me to accept help with the twins and I told her I didn't know why that was hard for me. "Control," she replied. Yesterday a nurse stopped and looked me in the eye,"are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating? Are you drinking enough? Will you ask if you need something?" How did she figure me out so quickly? Maybe it's not that they're so insightful, but only that I'm not that atypical. That's probably mostly likely, that I am just like most moms in this situation. But still, in this sterile environment, it was nice to have a moment of rest. Rest in a moment of another human being knowing and caring. That said, we get to go home today! Sometime anyway. The doctor gave us the green light, we're just waiting on one more lab and then the discharge rigamarole. Owen is doing a lot better. Still coughing, but not in danger. I'm so thankful that we only improved and didn't ever really have any particularly scary moments or the need to be transferred. Despite the nurse that checks the wrong baby and wakes us up in the middle of the night, we get good care here.

Waiting

Still here. Still sitting. My body aches from lack of exercise. This morning we're waiting for the doctor. Afraid of what she might say. Owen is pretty wheezy this morning. I'm hoping and praying it's just a morning thing, kind of a back up and being in a dry room. Hoping. I really don't want to go down to Des Moines. I think Elyse is doing alright. They both slept for over six hours last night, so that was nice. The problem was that I would wake up and want to change positions so badly that I couldn't go back to sleep. There's about only one position you can sleep in in a chair holding two babies, one of which is hooked up to oxygen. I'm sorry, hopefully no one is reading these silly rambles. I don't write because I think anyone actually cares how I slept last night, just because I want to write. So I give you permission to ignore me. Living on cereal here. Cereal and coffee But the breakfast tray this morning is oatmeal so I think I'll switch it up!

Sitting Around

Ironic isn't it. All the business that I normally have going on and here I am sitting on my hands. I guess this is God's way of getting me a much needed break. Owen and Elyse have both been pretty sick and so yesterday I took them in to the doctor. I was afraid to because I knew there wasn't anything they could do besides put him in the hospital. I just kept thinking of the hostage feeling when Elyse was in the NICU for a week. But avoiding going to the doctor doesn't make him need a it any less. So we went, and here we are. Owen has either pneumonia or RSV (pretty similar symptoms) and is on an iv with antibiotics and oxygen. He perked up right away but we are still here until he beats it. And hoping that Elyse doesn't get any worse or they will admit her too. And so I am forced to sit here, hold babies, feed babies and wait. It's kinda nice. I was feeling on the edge of a mental break down and now not only do I have nothing else to do, I also have help! But I wish they would stop sticking needles in my baby, and pumping him full of drugs. And I wish my being here didn't mean that my older two just get dumped on Grandpa. They do well for awhile, but then they suffer from lack of home and schedule. Thankfully there's not a lot of worry that he'll get worse, but there is still the niggling worry that maybe we would have to go down to DesMoines for more intensive care. And so, while I finally have my chance to relax and enjoy my babies, I still am not. I would love to just sleep, but anyone who's ever tried to sleep in a hospital knows how nearly impossible that is with all the in and out of nurses. Not to mention trying to get babies to sleep out of their environment and routine. On the bright side, I don't have much to eat! I'm not tracking my calories right now or exercising obviously but I had Mike bring my box of Kashi and really haven't had much an appetite anyway. Should be good for the weight loosing issue. And there seems to be "Friends" on cable at all hours so I might have the entire ten years watched before I leave!

On a roll. Or a cookie. Or a spoon full of ice cream...

Just kidding. I was going to say that I've been doing pretty good this week. Until today when I made ice cream sandwiches for Parker's upcoming birthday and I got a little to free with the dough, and the fresh cookies, and the ice cream I was putting between them. So I confess to about an hour of weakness. But otherwise it's been good. If I don't start on the chocolate it's easier to stay away. And yesterday I got groceries and got lots of high protein low cal foods. Even being out on the town yesterday I did well, and actually was way below my caloric average (which was good since I didn't have time to exercise). Did you catch that?: I went somewhere yesterday! It was the first time in over a week that I had been any farther than the mailbox. Some dear friends offered to take all of my kids for the day and so I got to go to Fort Dodge all by myself, the first time in I don't know how long. It was so strange to just grab my purse and get out of the car. But it was fun! I spent a lot of money, but I'm justifying it by the fact that I hadn't been to Fort Dodge in almost a month and it will probably be at least that long before I go again. So, that was my excitement for the month. A few hours to myself. I wish I could say that I came back relaxed and extremely patient but alas, no. Instead I was particularly grumpy because I was tired, had a lot to catch up on, and on the wrong end of a caffeine high. I hate the fact that my family probably feels like they can never be confident about what mood I'll be in. I don't want my husband to fear coming home because I might be welcoming or I might bite his head off. I don't want my children to walk on eggshells because I might at any moment turn into Mr. Hyde and flip out on them when just the last trip through the kitchen I was singing a song. I don't want this because I know it's a miserable way to live because it was like that at my house a lot growing up. I understand my mom and how this could be a lot better now, but I still don't want it for my family. Sure everyone has bad moods, but I want to be consistently approachable not consistently unpredictable. How do I achieve that?

Quiet

It's a miracle: Both babies are actually laying down asleep at the same time! That has not happened for more than 10 minutes in weeks! They've slept at the same time, but I'm always holding Owen in some form. Right now I am holding no one! Whoo hoo! So I sat down and had a cookie. Whole grain, oat, dark chocolate. That's allowed right? That being said, I am going to write a bit. Unfortunately, I'm having to re-figure my weight-loss strategy. It's been a week and it was appearing that all I have lost is my milk supply. Not that I had that much in the first place but for whatever reason, it was the first to go. Not the spare tire around my middle. My body is so messed up. Something about cutting calories is not sitting favorably and so I'm thinking that while I'll still keep counting them, and cutting back, I've got to focus a lot more on protein and not just low cal. And going to the grocery store will help that. Right now I don't have anything high protein except cheese. And while that's a good snack, it's also a lot of fat to eat at every meal! I've got lots of meat, but it's mostly in comfort food casseroles so that doesn't help much. So I'm rethinking a little bit and making a good grocery list. Some dear friends have offered to take all my kids tomorrow so that I can go to Fort Dodge by myself. Looking forward to that. However I might end up taking Nora because she's been struggling lately and I think some time on our own might be good. This friend has recruited another mom to help her because with her kids and mine there would be six. Makes complete sense to me, and I often tell people "well I wouldn't want you to be overwhelmed with all four" and I try to not leave Mike with all four. Then I realize, that's what I do all day, every day. All four, by myself, but I never even consider asking anyone else to do that. How do I do it? Not trying to toot my own horn, just wondering aloud. I think I live in such a daze that I don't often realize just what goes on here. I guess the answer would be grace. 30 minutes and there he's hollering again. At least I can count on him going back to sleep in the moby wrap. Thank God for my moby wrap. Now if only I could figure out how to wear one on the back too. :)

Day Off

I didn't exercise today. I probably could've found the time but my body is just tired. Really achy. Maybe it's my long unused muscles waking up. At any rate, since it was also cleaning day, I decided to take the day off of the workout. That is to say recognized workout. I still cleaned the house most of the time wearing a 11 pound baby in a front wrap. Do you have any ideas how many squats I do a day? Things I would normally bend over to do require a squat instead. Therefore activities like dusting or clearing the dishwasher end up breaking a sweat. I just saw on Livestrong that "childcare" is estimated to burn 376 calories an hour. So can I record about 20 hours of that? I just realized today that feeding the twins really is a full time job: I spend at least 8 hours a day feeding those two. In other news, I put in some excruciating time today trying to get Elyse to nurse. She's more or less been on a strike for the last month. Screaming in a whole new pitch if I offer it to her. Owen has tried that, but I always wait him out and so he's continued nursing. So I wondered, why do I let her get away with it? So today we worked on it for awhile. I try to keep in mind as the screaming ensues that she's really mad not sad; she doesn't want to work so hard. It certainly won't be the last time she gets so mad at me! At the same time, I can't help but wonder, are the benefits of nursing worth the emotional turmoil it takes to keep them at it when they fight me so much? And you know what I realized: nursing has no eternal value. Duh. And there are lots of reasons that doing just bottles and formula would be so much easier. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up nursing, but I am going to be more introspective about weighing the costs. For instance, an hour of quality one-on-one time with one of my older children will probably have more lasting value than whether or not Owen nurses this feeding. If I can accomplish both, then great. But if I have to choose one or the other I need to make sure that I am choosing from an eternal perspective. If all this effort to successfully nurse exhausts me so that I have no time, or patience, or even a kind word for the rest of my family, then what am I really gaining? Or is it only a loss? I apologize if I am just rambling now: I'm pretty sure that once again my number of cups of caffeine exceeds the numbers of hours of sleep. :D