Measuring

It's been awhile since I've updated on my measuring, weight, and been completely open about my eating habits. So I'll lay it all out. They're rather pathetic. Eating habits that is; I feel like I've lost all of my self-control. Granted, I'm cooking pretty good dishes and I am still eating way less than I was when I started this journey; but I'm also eating more than I know I need to because it's more than I was eating when I was at my best. In the mornings, I start out great, eating my cereal and usually making it to lunch with out too much snacking, and if I do snack it's healthy and good portion size. After lunch it all goes down hill. I've been trying to knock off some of my caffeine intake, so I cut out one of my two morning cups of coffee. By 1p.m. I am therefore really sleepy and there's a coffee drink mix that I have that I really like, so I usually give in. Something about a cup of that and a good book, curled up on these chilly days....so nice. So, then I sometimes have two cups! And then I get hungry and eat all the wrong things, either too many cookies or cookie dough, or sample Parker's cheez-its or just eat too much of good things. Typically I can eat well for supper but if I'm hungry again before bed I sometimes give in to another cookie! I'm quite disgusted in myself. No self-control! What happened to no dessert, let alone two desserts in one day. I know that if I could get off of the sugar train I'd feel better and be able to avoid more sugar, but it's the getting off that's hard. I've tried going back to tracking everything I eat again, but I've really gotten off of the habit and can't seem to do it more than two or three days in a row. And I only had 5lb. to go! Well, I did have...this last month I gained 2lb. rather than lost any. :( I did still lose fractions of inches everywhere but my legs...but I'm afraid I also lost my sense of accomplishment and confidence. I'm really afraid that it's only going to be back downhill again. So much so that I have found myself already expecting my pants to not fit; now that's what gives me a bit of a reality check. For one thing, the body can fluctuate as much as 2lb. in one day, no matter what I do or don't do. So maybe rather than really gaining this last month, I just didn't loose. And Mike also pointed out again, last night when I was lamenting to him, that I really do put on muscle pretty easily, and I'm not built to be a small person, so maybe I'm working against my very genetics. And when I said my self-control was gone he scoffed at me because he thinks the things I put myself through in the name of discipline are ridiculous. So I appreciated his "support" in the form of thinking my worries are unfounded. The other thing is that I am still exercising; actually maybe more than I set out to in my three hard workouts a week. I always set out to do a "just be active" session, but it ends up being a full hour sweat session, so I guess that's good. The moral of this story is that I had a bad last month in feeling guilty about all I've eaten. But, in reality I maybe didn't go backwards, just didn't gain any ground. And I need to not let my guilt pull me into old bad habits by making me think that I haven't really changed. Even if I am getting near the ideal weight for my body type, it seems to me that I should be able to still loose 5lb., I mean I can certainly find plenty of jiggle that I think should go. :P But I can't drown in my guilt, instead I need to keep making small steps. So here I go, baby steps again. Thank you for listening to my self-coaching session. :)