I've realized it before, but this morning it hit me with new clarity that I do not take correction or criticism well. Well, maybe better from some people than others, but for the most part when someone tells me that I did something wrong, they don't like what I did, or it's not good enough, my hackles rise and I get defensive. That's only on the outside though; on the inside I feel sick to my stomach and get immediately tense and vulnerable. As I write this I'm realizing that it's more on performance based things; someone can tell me that my thoughts or opinions are wrong and that's ok, I guess it's just when I feel that they're telling me that I'm not good enough or that I've failed. Why does that hit me so hard? It is pride? I fear being less than perfect? I'm ok with bringing up my flaws myself, in fact I talk all about being "real" with people...but when they call me out apparently I can't handle that. Am I fearing rejection, or just am feeling out of control? I really can't put a finger on it, but I'm going to assume that it stems from a lack of humility. At any rate, it happened again that someone from church sent me a scathing e-mail about how they didn't like something I'd printed for them wished I had contacted them before distributing something so unprofessional. Humph. Here's the thing: they gave me a hard copy of the handout when I've continually requested electronic copies telling them that I would get a better print quality; I tried to improve the copy quality in every way that I could with what they gave me; I had a lot to do that day and got the handout to a point where all the info was readable, if not attractive, and called it good enough and moved on with my work load. Yes, I should've taken the time to contact her and ask for the e-copy again and not settled for good enough, but I was in a hurry and tired of messing with her stuff. So...those are my excuses. What I need to do is swallow my pride, apologize, be grateful for this opportunity to learn humility, and stop putting out work that is less then my best. But oh it rankles me. I want to e-mail her back and give all my excuses and defenses (because I do have a very defensible position). But I also know that I could've tried better. That's probably why it makes me so defensive, because I know she's partially right. However, I'm not ready to do any of that yet, so I'm going to sit on it and go for a ferocious bicycle ride to burn off some steam and then we'll see if I can write that humble e-mail and be grateful...
Another thought I've had is that maybe this is how my husband feels when I bring to his attention something that I feel he could improve upon. a.k.a: I'm critical. :P I already kinda can tell that he immediately gets defensive and starts reasoning to himself how I have no right to expect such things, or that I'm being unfair. But I wonder if he also gets this sick feeling in his stomach and hates being found out and having it pointed out to him that he's not good enough. And if he feels rejected and exposed. And I do it to him a lot. Imagine if I was made to feel like this every night, or at least had the reasonable fear to expect it most of the time due to past experiences. What a lousy way to live. I would avoid me too! Father, help me to remember this feeling before I speak to my husband. And help me to choose to speak the affirming words instead because none of the little things that bother me are not worth making him feel this way. Not if my goal really is to make his life the joy I want it to be for him. But I need help...and humility...
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