Cooking

I had a very enjoyable grocery shopping trip yesterday and am pleased with the fact that my fridge and pantry are now filled with all sorts of tasty ingredients with which to make several tasty new recipes. I'm also very pleased with the way my tastes have finally matured a bit and I'm willing to try more interesting recipes. Tonight it was Chicken-Chili Stir Fry complete with bean sprouts and peanuts. Looks good doesn't it?


It turned out just like the picture and the textures were great. The flavor wasn't amazing; not bad, just not amazing. Nice and low cal though and filling. I don't know if I'll make it again or not.But at the very least it is something that I never would've even considered trying before.
My next experiment is a barley-corn-spinach-edamame salad. I am again hopeful. It looks great and is filled with all sorts of fresh and lite things. And no meat; I am certainly not against meat, but more and more my stomach is happier if there's not meat involved and recipes that are vegetarian appeal to me. I've not done it on purpose, but that's where my tastes are heading. For instance, I've been really hungry for a good black bean soup like they have at Panera. Anybody got a good recipe? Oh, I'm also making "yogurt cheese" tonight that will be made into a Mexican cheese dip tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes. I also picked up some greek yogurt yesterday. They've finally started selling some that isn't organic so it's a little cheaper. It's good stuff, mostly just because it's got 22g. of protein in 8 oz. That's a lot. And it's a good sour cream replacer if you ask me. That and I just feel cool and sophisticated eating something that has the word "greek" in it. :D

Gee, I have a good looking little brother...

These pictures are all the property of KDB Photography, but I just liked them so much I wanted to show them off. :)

The Recipe for Contentment

Contentment is really something I struggle with; maybe not as much that I worry about things as I am not satisfied with what I have. I recently came to the humbling realization that I face a lot of things in my life with the attitude "I could do better." In ever sense of the phrase, that's way messed up and damaging. So, as I'm revamping that thought pattern, I'm looking into contentment and how to live in it. I don't know if this is a common struggle, or if I'm just a messed up perfectionist, but at any rate I wanted to share what I found in this book I just started called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. When I'm looking for how I should approach life I like it to be spelled out for me in step by step guidelines. I know that there are inherent dangers to this approach, but it's still what I look for, and in the first few pages of this book the author quoted another woman as to the recipe for contentment, as follows:
~Never allow yourself to complain about anything-not even the weather.
~Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
~Never compare your lot with another's.
~Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
~Never dwell on tomorrow-remember that it is God's, not ours.
It's a tall order, and I'm pretty sure I fail about every hour. :P But something I'm going to be dwelling on these next few days. One part of it that really gets me is that every single part of this recipe is a choice that I can make; nothing is left dependent on what others might do or what circumstances might change it is all up to me being in control of my emotions and choices. I like to be in control. :) It also made me recall what I was just reading in "Screwtape" concerning how God wants us to live in the present and Satan finds us most useful when we focus on the future (see quote on upper right side). Also, Lewis (Screwtape) writes, "nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead." Fascinating and humbling.

"If you look for it as for silver..."

Once again I have been brought to a halt with the not so novel idea that the Bible is true!
Awhile back I set out to memorize the book of Proverbs; a daunting task but one I am told is doable. I've been taking it slower than I first intended to and have only made it midway through the second chapter so far. But the really great part about memorizing scripture is that it is continually brought to mind and you can see how it applies in whole new scenarios than you might normally. For instance, this morning I was pondering all of the great books I've been reading lately and how there seems to be insightful wisdom on every page (even the fiction books) and how everything fits together so nicely to add up to the way to live joyful and contentedly no matter your circumstances, struggles, or marriage. "The Screwtape Letters" has given me some new perspective on how my seemingly "little sins" are really open doors for Satan to do his best work, say me having a generally critical attitude that of course spills onto everything my husband does or doesn't do. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" explains just how detrimental that constant criticism is to a man and husband and marriage and what a difference it can be if I just stop complaining. "Calm My Anxious Heart" says that one element in the recipe for contentment is to "never allow yourself to complain about anything..." That would include about or to my husband. And complaining and criticism would be some of those "small sins" that I again learned about in "Screwtape." As I was sitting in wonder of these any many other themes that were emerging from my books lately I also recalled "If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding...then you will understand the fear of the Lord and you will find the knowledge of God...then you will know what is right and just and fair, every good path..." (all from Proverbs 2). Crazy! Not really, just to my finite little mind. :)

Size 8

:D
It hasn't really been my goal, but it is a nice place to reach. In fact, pretty sure I've never been here before. Maybe on the verge, but never actually bought a size 8 before. It's a nice feeling. And I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. Still haven't budged those last 6lbs. that will hopefully make it a solid 8 rather than some 8's work and some are still disgusting. :) But 10's are definitely too big. It's also a good feeling because I had ice cream this weekend, twice...in one day. :P Not a good idea but my self control has been very low lately. So I enjoyed it and today I start over! Pondering the timing of new babies the last few weeks. And wondering how willing I am to give up this new 8. I'd rather like to enjoy it awhile, because honestly, I may never see it again. Even if I do manage the next pregnancy smarter, there might be things beyond my control, like the spreading of hips. :P So, that's holding me back but I realize that that's pure selfishness so I've been praying for a little more nudge of the Holy Spirit if I need to be getting on this and off of my vanity.

On being in love and other ineresting insights from Hell.

I am newly enthralled with the book "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. I read it early in college and liked it, but struggled to get through it. This time I'm first listening to the dramatized version by Focus on the Family and then am so intrigued by what I hear have to go to the book and read it over. I'm not sure whether it's my different place in life, a new depth of understanding, or that hearing and reading rather than just reading makes such a big difference, but I have this book thoroughly marked up now. Couldn't even settle on just one quote for the bulletin.
Yesterday I read the "letter" concerning love and marriage. From this demon's point of view they have been very clever in taking God's institution (marriage)and thwarting it by convincing us humans that the only valid reason for getting married is if one "feels" "in love." It really reminded me of a conversation I had not too long ago with a friend that is with this guy that meets all of her requirements but there is no "chemistry" and so she's not sure if she should take the relationship any further. Thankfully she's also smart so she's not going to give up a good thing yet, but still, she's wanting to feel "in love" in order to justify being in this relationship. I'm not saying this isn't normal,or that I wouldn't feel the same way, but rather that maybe those demons have been working things well. Consider this: "persuading the humans that...'being in love' is the only respectable ground for marriage; that marriage can, and out to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding." Doesn't this sound just about what the typical mindset is these days? Even in most Christian circles? Sure most Christians are also aware of all the other aspects of love and marriage, and hopefully are well taught that feelings come and go but the covenant that they made before God is what matters. And, by God's graciousness, "being in love" usually does come with or lead into marriage, but it's not the only element to consider. I liked this insight as well: "the idea of marrying with any other motive (than being in love) seems to them low and cynical...They regard the intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, for the preservation of chastity, and for the transmission of life, as something lower than a storm of emotion." Wow, that made me step back. I've never heard marriage described in just those terms. Certainly not the top three things I was consciously considering when I considered getting married. It would seem that we all have things a bit backwards doesn't it?

Reminiscing

Last night I was doing some cleaning out of the tubs of stuff that I moved here from my mom's place at least a year ago. I'm really not a hoarder, but I do like to keep those little memory laden tidbits from the years gone by. I had two tubs filled with such things and I thought maybe enough years had passed that I would be less attached to some of them. Unfortunately, no. Instead I just spent a good couple of hours reminiscing as I looked through old pictures, ticket stubs, notebooks, and quote lists. I found the "point" game sheet that we used to tack up on the inside of our dorm "pantry," and I found old letters from high school when the things that got us excited were so much simpler. There were lots and lots of notes and old tests from college classes I took and I realized how much I have forgotten already. Papers I had written for various classes; wow, I miss writing, I wasn't too bad at it. :) And tons of odds and ends from trips I've taken and places I've lived. Two conclusions I came to: 1. I am never going to get caught up on all of the scrapbooking I need to be doing. 2. I should maybe just die now, I've already lived a very full life and I'm not sure I could manage much more!

Kids say the darndest things...

Parker's been saying a lot lately. Or maybe just stringing more words together? Either way, it's been funny so I thought I'd share a few here:
-While I was on a stool taking down decorations, "Careful, mama, no fall!"
-While changing my clothes and Parker watched from the bed with a pair of toy binoculars, "Taking pictures!"
-After throwing a ball in the house, which is against the rules, we had this conversation, "Parker, don't through balls inside the house, you know that rule."
"Get a spanken'."
"No, this time I'm just going to give you a warning, in case you had forgotten, but next time you will get a spanking."
(Holding his hand out to be slapped) "Hand."
"No, I'm not going to slap your hand either, this time is your warning."
"Sit chair." (asking for a time out apparently)
Wow, that kid really wanted to be disciplined.
-Mike, "Parker can you say, Go Cyclones?"
Parker, "Go Cyclones.(thoughtful pause) Go potty."

The inevitable

Today I had the good fortune of getting to spend the day with my grandparents and to realize that they are dying. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or unfeeling. It's actually said with a feeling that's hard to convey through type. It was a hard thing to face really, although it's not because I'm that close with them. I love and care about them but the part that is the hardest is seeing them in such a deteriorated state while it's still easy to remember the days when we went shopping, or flying kites, or baking cookies. I've worked in a nursing home and I've seen "old" people that are other people's grandparents, but those people had only ever been "old" and deteriorating to me, I never knew them as anything else. Having known Grandma and Grandpa to be healthier and active, and in their right minds, I feel so sorry for them having to exist as they are now. Grandpa is just slow and awkward. His health is not good, but it's a lot of little things that just make living hard now. For Grandma it's cancer on top of many years of inactivity and unhealthy eating. She's lost a lot of weight now, but instead of looking healthier, she just looks wasted and tired. And she's on so many meds that she's confused and has a hard time making the right words come out. Repeating herself and repeating "what can I say?" as some sort of mournful tick. I was unable to determine or find anyone else that knew how much Grandma is still in there and how much is the drugs that are messing up her mind. And I felt sorry for her; so sorry for how she used to be and how she would hate to see herself like this.
I know, because I would hate to see myself like that. I sat there thinking, I don't want to get old. I don't want my life to go on, if that's all there is to living. Just let me go quietly in my sleep, don't drag it out. It made me resolve with new feeling to healthful eating and living. What's a piece of pie compared to years of useful activity and health? There are things like some cancers that you can't avoid and those scare me. Just let me go....but then there is also a lot of blessing that can be passed on to others in an illness that is passed through depending on the grace of God. If that is my lot, then I just pray for the strength of faith to go through it with such a vision and a focus on the reality of eternity in comparison. That's the other part that is so sad, that I'm not sure my grandparents have that certainty. I see in Grandma a tired woman who feels alone and hopeless. I tried to speak to her of hope today; of forgiveness and having a certainty of heaven and she said "do you see how those knobs on the commode are all different?" Funny yes, but also frightening. Did I miss my chance? Did my fear of speaking the truth to my own grandma contribute to where she is now and where she will be at the end? Could I have helped her to have peace right now and a security in the arms of God? I went today with a lot of prayers that I would have the right words to say and the courage to say them so that Grandma and I could both be confident of her heavenly home. But she's not coherent enough to speak of it and I'm afraid I let fear rule me too long. I know that God is bigger than me and I need to obey what I know to be right right now and trust him. But I struggle with wondering how things might be different now if I had spoken up sooner. I'm sorry Grandma.
In the meantime, they only way I really know to deal with all of this is just to laugh at the "chemo fog" because she really did say some random stuff such as asking me if many geese fly to the lake to skate? And telling me which water jug was better because the snowmobilers said that the other one leaked. Oh my.

Facing the firing squad

I've realized it before, but this morning it hit me with new clarity that I do not take correction or criticism well. Well, maybe better from some people than others, but for the most part when someone tells me that I did something wrong, they don't like what I did, or it's not good enough, my hackles rise and I get defensive. That's only on the outside though; on the inside I feel sick to my stomach and get immediately tense and vulnerable. As I write this I'm realizing that it's more on performance based things; someone can tell me that my thoughts or opinions are wrong and that's ok, I guess it's just when I feel that they're telling me that I'm not good enough or that I've failed. Why does that hit me so hard? It is pride? I fear being less than perfect? I'm ok with bringing up my flaws myself, in fact I talk all about being "real" with people...but when they call me out apparently I can't handle that. Am I fearing rejection, or just am feeling out of control? I really can't put a finger on it, but I'm going to assume that it stems from a lack of humility. At any rate, it happened again that someone from church sent me a scathing e-mail about how they didn't like something I'd printed for them wished I had contacted them before distributing something so unprofessional. Humph. Here's the thing: they gave me a hard copy of the handout when I've continually requested electronic copies telling them that I would get a better print quality; I tried to improve the copy quality in every way that I could with what they gave me; I had a lot to do that day and got the handout to a point where all the info was readable, if not attractive, and called it good enough and moved on with my work load. Yes, I should've taken the time to contact her and ask for the e-copy again and not settled for good enough, but I was in a hurry and tired of messing with her stuff. So...those are my excuses. What I need to do is swallow my pride, apologize, be grateful for this opportunity to learn humility, and stop putting out work that is less then my best. But oh it rankles me. I want to e-mail her back and give all my excuses and defenses (because I do have a very defensible position). But I also know that I could've tried better. That's probably why it makes me so defensive, because I know she's partially right. However, I'm not ready to do any of that yet, so I'm going to sit on it and go for a ferocious bicycle ride to burn off some steam and then we'll see if I can write that humble e-mail and be grateful...
Another thought I've had is that maybe this is how my husband feels when I bring to his attention something that I feel he could improve upon. a.k.a: I'm critical. :P I already kinda can tell that he immediately gets defensive and starts reasoning to himself how I have no right to expect such things, or that I'm being unfair. But I wonder if he also gets this sick feeling in his stomach and hates being found out and having it pointed out to him that he's not good enough. And if he feels rejected and exposed. And I do it to him a lot. Imagine if I was made to feel like this every night, or at least had the reasonable fear to expect it most of the time due to past experiences. What a lousy way to live. I would avoid me too! Father, help me to remember this feeling before I speak to my husband. And help me to choose to speak the affirming words instead because none of the little things that bother me are not worth making him feel this way. Not if my goal really is to make his life the joy I want it to be for him. But I need help...and humility...

Results of December

Last night was another measuring night and I was hoping to at least not have gained anything over the month of December. I knew that I had not been on my best behavior, especially where eating of rolls was concerned. Miraculously, the results were positive!I actually lost 6lbs. in December and am only 5lbs. away from my goal! Very excited about that. The inches measurements were not a huge decrease, but little bits here and there and I'm thankful for anything over a holiday filled with landmines. Another bit of good news is that my sister found my Latin Dancing dvd, so I can do that workout again. As not good at it as I am, I still enjoyed having the option for a little variety. Also adding a little variety is the little device I'm borrowing to turn my regular bike into a stationary bike. Haven't tried it yet, but I'm excited especially since I have the new "Screwtape Letters" radio drama to listen to while I do it.
Yesterday was a day spent in trying to catch up on cleaning, laundry, exercise, and sleep. We've really been running around a lot it seems, and almost non-stop company since a week and a half ago. A verse I read this morning said "offer hospitality to everyone without grumbling." I'm afraid I'm not very good at the not grumbling part. I've gotten better I think...but still have a ways to go. See, I'm such a creature of habit and routine that anyone that deters me from that messes me up and I don't appreciate messes. But I really need to be more laid back and go with the flow. And I need to remember that my house doesn't haven't to be spotlessly clean whenever someone comes to visit. A warm welcome goes a lot farther than a clean floor. When we were kids we could hardly ever have friends over because my mom felt such pressure to have the house clean and so it made too much work for her. I understand better now how she felt, but I don't want my house to be that way. I want people to always feel welcome to just drop in to my house. My friends, my kids' friends, whoever. Now I just need some friends...
Parker's newest thing is to start the morning by singing "happy to you, happy to you!" Adding in various names as he feels led and then ending with "happy to youuuuuu!" Not sure where he learned the birthday song, or why he feels the need to sing it in the mornings, but it's sweet. Now the trick will be to channel it into a phone message as it is my brother's birthday.
Church today, but I think we're going to skip Sunday School. Parker has been exposed to the chicken pox, and I'm not really sure what the protocol is on them, but I don't want to be the one to spread them all over the church, so I guess we'll just keep him away from other kids. Time for breakfast.