There's been a lot going on lately. Lots of blogging type thoughts have come to mind and gone again before I had a chance to get them down. My grandma's in the hospital right now, actually have surgery today to remove cancer in her colon. It's not really shocking or anything because Grandma hasn't been in good health for a long time; in and out of the hospital in the last few years, this time they're just calling it cancer. At mom's request I asked Pastor Tom to go visit her and help her find some peace and comfort amidst all of the scary things going on right now, even facing the possibility of death, which honestly might be better than what she's have to live through. Anyway, he went, last night, almost right away. I'm so grateful for the love he has for people and the wisdom he has giving me complete confidence that he will say only what God tells him to, even if it's awkward. In a sense I feel kinda guilty, sending Pastor Tom to do my "dirty work," that is having this most important but not comfortable conversation with Grandma. But on the other hand, if anyone's going to help her, it will be him. She does say she is a believer, however she never learned how to live it and now is without the practice of going to God when things are hard. She's also got a lot of unforgiveness and bitterness stored up. Something the Pastor Tom personally understands. So I've been alternating between fear that Grandma's going to hate me for putting her in the position of talking to this very forward stranger, and hope that maybe God will do a huge work here and Grandma will find joy. What a thought; Grandma Morgan with joy and peace! I smile just thinking of it and praying it will be so. Even so far as if she made peace with God last night then I would be at peace if he took her now, just because it would be so much better than what she's been living with. And it wasn't so long ago that I watched cancer work it's course and it's not pleasant. So much pain and discomfort.
So, that's what I'm thinking about these beautiful fall days. Not necessarily bad thoughts although you might think that at first.
We went to Ames to see Grandma this weekend and got to go to Cornerstone for Saturday night service. I left there with an immense feeling of satisfaction; like when you're hungry after a long run and find a good meal ready for you. (Parker just drove his toy truck down the front of my shirt until it hooked in my bra and said "park." )Anyway...the heartfelt worship and the "solid food" of the teaching from Ephesians. So good. Wow, how I miss going there. And I know, everyone misses Cornerstone because there's no other churches just like it, but also this is the church were I really felt at home. I've gone to a lot of different churches in my life, but this one was mine. The one where I really grew a lot in my faith, faced some difficult life happenings, faced some huge joys, really saw examples of what it is to be a Christ follower. This is my "home" church out of all of them I've ever attended and it's hard to move my heart from that. These are people I trust, even though I hardly know them anymore, but I know that they're real, so I trust them. Even in the huge new auditorium; really a building that I hardly recognize, I felt at home. And it's nice to still be recognized in a huge place like that. But we don't "go" there anymore, I'm not a regular part of the fellowship, and I need to get engaged in the church here. Is it so hard because I just don't want to or is it so hard because this one isn't really a home? Probably more my attitude than I want to admit...but it's hard to trust that deeply again. When we left Cornerstone I was almost glad to go, but I realize now that my heart had drifted from God and the problems were mine, not theirs. I was offended only as their walk revealed my lack there of. Not that Cornerstone is a perfect church, or that I should hold out until I find one just like it. I guess I just got to work on my attitude. But I'm still homesick.