Guilt

Not sure why it's around, but it is in spades this weekend. I cooked a lot this weekend because we had company and I couldn't offer him much in the way of entertainment so I thought maybe food would help. Calorie-wise, I didn't do too badly, they just weren't necessarily the right calories to be eating (cookies, apple pie). On the other hand I had some really good successes such as eating breakfast at home and only observing at the all you can eat pancake "fest". Then there was the wedding and I didn't have any cake, but there were cheesy potatoes, and really good rolls, and the mints were great too. On top of that it was a busy day so no time for even a walk. Really, I've had worse weekends, especially as far as activity goes. But for whatever reason I am just plagued with guilt today. Part of it might be the fitness magazine that I bought yesterday. Last month it was inspiring. This month I feel like I should be doing everything in it. To top it all off I got on the scale last night and it said that I had gained 5lb back!!!! I don't think that's accurate because I got on this morning and that had gone away plus 2 more. But still...just adds to it all. I've been thinking that maybe I should flip-flop my calorie intake so that I'm taking in the majority in the morning when I have all day to burn them off. As it is, I typically get to supper time and say "oh! look how much more I can eat" and we all know that's not so smart. So that was my goal today, however here I am at 4:30 and hungry and if I eat any more I won't get any supper....
Now on top of that, I'm frustrated with my husband again so I hung up the phone and ate 2 cookies. :P Man alive how I wish I lived somewhere with some other way to vent and fill my time!! God and I had been working on a lot of things lately and I thought I had some peace but gosh darn it, I guess I hadn't grown as much as I had hoped. In Isaiah 58 there is a verse that says ..."The Lord will supply all your needs in a sun-scorched land." I've really latched on to that verse and the surrounding ones because I feel like that's where I am a lot of times. I have a need for companionship, for recreation, for a listening ear, for spiritual challenge and teaching, for trees (all across the spectrum here), among others. And when I search for them where I'm at right now, I feel like I'm in a barren land. Don't take me wrong here, I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of Mike; I'm not expecting him to meet all of these needs or saying it's his fault. I guess what I'm saying that at this point and place in life as I struggle with a lack of friends, a lack of church that really teaches and challenges, a lack of trees :), and a husband that is pulled about 5 different directions, my only firm ground is that God has set it up so that He will meet all my needs and that's the only place I'm going to find peace. I know I'm not the first woman to deal with this, particularly in this culture and place. From what I've seen, my predecessors either ate, shopped, or ran. I'm trying not to eat, don't have the money or the good place to shop (walmart only fills the void so much :P), so I guess I'm going running. I hate running.