Another 4 Weeks

Well, we're up to 16 weeks total of this weight-loss effort. In order to be meeting my original goal I should have then lost 16lbs.: Even better, I'm at 27!. That's an encouraging thing, although I would still love for it to be going faster. I can't complain though because I've really be slacking lately. Still getting my exercise and activity in, but eating bad stuff. Not going over my calorie limit, but not eating what I should to fill those calories either. And there's all the little nibbles of things throughout the day that I don't account for. This last week I've been hungry for cheez-its in the afternoon. Not good. There's nothing else I can really find to take the place of that enjoyable munchy. Darn it anyway that I even have them in the house but they're Mike's. So I eat them. Part of my problem is the coffee I drink in the morning, see then by the after lunch I am tired, but I can't sleep because the caffeine hasn't worn off yet. Therefore I eat when really I'm tired but can't sleep. It's vicious. It helps if I can stay busy, but most days I'm just running after Parker all the time, and that lends itself to snacks. Anyway, self-control is the word! And enough of that bad news, the good news is that in spite of these struggles, I still lost 3 in. off my waist this month. Only 1in. off my hips, but still I can tell a difference as I am able to fit into lots of my old pants now. That's very fun. I also found the three pairs of super slim pants that I bought in NM when I was in really good shape. I could get one of them buttoned, but it was not comfortable or attractive. :P Let's just say that I rediscovered some motivation!
And now, to kill my dog. Why does she bark at nothing and always during nap time???!!!!

Two things that make you wonder...

Just what God is up to.
1. Last night was supposed to be the first meeting of our new couples Bible Study. Mike and I have talked about starting one for over a year. We finally set a date and invited 5 couples. I cooked and clean most of the day; Mike had a list of talking points. I prayed that this would just be a starting point of a tight group that would provide each other with challenge and encouragement. Long story short, no one came. One couple called and said they couldn't make it, but I guess the others just forgot or something. That's completely feasible, but doesn't help much. They said they were excited. I don't really even know how I feel about it. I'm disappointed of course because as much as anything I wanted this group for Mike and I because I know that we need it. But I'm also not really surprised, kinda just reinforces my impression that a strong marriage and family life is just not a priority around here. I told Mike that it certainly doesn't do anything for my homesickness for Cornerstone and the connection groups there. Should we try again? What is God trying to teach us? Will Mike have the motivation to try again? Are we supposed to give up and just go to our respective men's and women's groups like everyone else? Why is spirituality so segregated around here????
2. On, a more positive note, a few months ago we were contacted by Bethany Christian Services about needing a mentor for a 13 year old girl in the area. At the time, I thought, gee I should do that, but never actually acted on it. God kept bringing it to mind though so finally today I called them thinking I'd just see if they needed any other mentors or if they had a list I could join. Turns out that that same girl needed a mentor again, the first one had only been available for the summer. Cool. Talk about timing. So, we'll see how this goes....

Pride goeth before.....

It wasn't really a bad morning, just rather typical really. Things were going smoothly and I was on track to get out of the door on time to get to work. I had dressed myself in a favorite old sweatshirt that I hadn't been able to wear in awhile and happily observed that it looked pretty good now. So, the last thing to do before we go out the door, put Parker's shoes on and, of course, he has poop down his leg and on the floor and now stool. I carry him back to the changing table with his legs kicking so that we leave a trail of fling. Not a quick clean up but rather a mopping and complete outfit change. Clean up the trail. Get the shoes on finally, grab bags and out the door. Child in the car seat, I happen to look down as I reach for my door handle, and that lovely sweatshirt that I just mentioned has also been bestowed with its own measure of poop. I'm glad I'm not a swearing person because as it was Parker imitated the frustrated noise I made as I dashed back in the house to change myself.....

Just a Cracker

That's all I want. I've really been craving the carbs lately. I can't think of much that would be better than sitting down to eat a whole box of crackers, say cheddar-jack cheez-its. Yum. Unfortunately I don't have any room on my eating count for a whole box of crackers, especially of the cheese variety. I did make some fresh corn muffins last night that helped fill the void. Today I'm sticking with my apple and peanut butter dip combo because it makes me feel like I'm eating a lot. The other day I was wishing for a day to just eat whatever I want and not care about it. It sounds like sweet freedom. But in all reality, I don't really want that. Because I'm very happy with how my freedom from food is progressing. Really, what I would like, is for "whatever I want" to become what is healthy and reasonable for me to eat. That's what would really be enjoyable. Think I've got a ways to go yet, but maybe, by grace, I'll get there. Yesterday we went to Pizza Ranch for lunch, something I haven't ventured since the day after I started this journey. And I did ok. I had a few little bits of things I enjoy and walked away satisfied, but not guilty. Like I told Mike, it's a lot less fun to eat at Pizza Ranch when you have to face just how many calories you consume there.

18 month Pictures

Despite a camera that's wigging out on me and a child that was doing his best to make this hard for me, I think I got some good shots.

For future reference...

12 miles of biking+ 2 miles running = sore hips. And do I feel better? Slightly. But at least I had no reason to feel guilty about those cookies anymore.

Guilt

Not sure why it's around, but it is in spades this weekend. I cooked a lot this weekend because we had company and I couldn't offer him much in the way of entertainment so I thought maybe food would help. Calorie-wise, I didn't do too badly, they just weren't necessarily the right calories to be eating (cookies, apple pie). On the other hand I had some really good successes such as eating breakfast at home and only observing at the all you can eat pancake "fest". Then there was the wedding and I didn't have any cake, but there were cheesy potatoes, and really good rolls, and the mints were great too. On top of that it was a busy day so no time for even a walk. Really, I've had worse weekends, especially as far as activity goes. But for whatever reason I am just plagued with guilt today. Part of it might be the fitness magazine that I bought yesterday. Last month it was inspiring. This month I feel like I should be doing everything in it. To top it all off I got on the scale last night and it said that I had gained 5lb back!!!! I don't think that's accurate because I got on this morning and that had gone away plus 2 more. But still...just adds to it all. I've been thinking that maybe I should flip-flop my calorie intake so that I'm taking in the majority in the morning when I have all day to burn them off. As it is, I typically get to supper time and say "oh! look how much more I can eat" and we all know that's not so smart. So that was my goal today, however here I am at 4:30 and hungry and if I eat any more I won't get any supper....
Now on top of that, I'm frustrated with my husband again so I hung up the phone and ate 2 cookies. :P Man alive how I wish I lived somewhere with some other way to vent and fill my time!! God and I had been working on a lot of things lately and I thought I had some peace but gosh darn it, I guess I hadn't grown as much as I had hoped. In Isaiah 58 there is a verse that says ..."The Lord will supply all your needs in a sun-scorched land." I've really latched on to that verse and the surrounding ones because I feel like that's where I am a lot of times. I have a need for companionship, for recreation, for a listening ear, for spiritual challenge and teaching, for trees (all across the spectrum here), among others. And when I search for them where I'm at right now, I feel like I'm in a barren land. Don't take me wrong here, I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of Mike; I'm not expecting him to meet all of these needs or saying it's his fault. I guess what I'm saying that at this point and place in life as I struggle with a lack of friends, a lack of church that really teaches and challenges, a lack of trees :), and a husband that is pulled about 5 different directions, my only firm ground is that God has set it up so that He will meet all my needs and that's the only place I'm going to find peace. I know I'm not the first woman to deal with this, particularly in this culture and place. From what I've seen, my predecessors either ate, shopped, or ran. I'm trying not to eat, don't have the money or the good place to shop (walmart only fills the void so much :P), so I guess I'm going running. I hate running.

The Bookshelf

Here are the pictures I promised. A few different angles. I'm hoping to get a floor lamp to replace that little one on the end table. At least that short part was supposed to be an end table for the chair there, but ended up falling a little short so I need to rearrange that.

I'm so excited I could eat something!

But that would be counter productive. See, I realized that I now weigh the same as when I got married, so I pulled out some clothes from then. Put on some 11/12 pants that I liked, and they fit! Comfortable even. So I'm wearing them now and feeling pretty good. Although I'm still a long way from where I want to be, I'm trying to also enjoy how far I've gotten to this point because it wasn't so long ago that I wasn't sure I'd ever see even this point again. I feel like "Monica" must feel on "Friends" after any episode where she has to wear her fat suit for a flashback. That is to say, I feel like I'm taking off my fat suit and am able to be more myself again. I know that this is all mental, and maybe I could've come out of this funk without loosing weight, but this is certainly making it easier and making the whole world look a little more rosie.
Also contributing to my brighter out look on life is that I actually got up this morning for a quality quiet time in a quality quiet place. Since I got my bookshelves finished in my library and had equipped it with a comfy chair and a lamp it was almost enough incentive to get me out bed early. I said, ok God, you wake me up and I'll get up. So He did and it was lovely to have a whole hour to sit and sip coffee and read and pray. I feel much more prepared for my day and life in general.
If you've never done a yoga shoulder stand, you should try it. Yeah, you look pretty funny and it's not easy, but it's very fun once you get it.

Peanut Butter Dip

My latest substitute recipe is I winner if you ask me. I enjoy apples and peanut butter as a snack,but 2tb. of peanut butter just has too many calories and 1tb. is not enough for a whole apple. So this weekend I improvised with 1tb. peanut butter (all natural, no sugar of course), 1/4c. nonfat, plain yogurt, and one pouch of "truvia" the natural calorie free sweetener that I'm trying. The results were delightful. Might be better than peanut butter alone, and lots more for dipping! And filling. Give it a shot.
My new drink that I outlined before is also treating me well. It's great when I want something special to snack on. Hopefully they don't soon come out with negative aspect of club soda....