It seems there is a theme emerging in my life right now, so I want to write about it so that I don't forget. Everywhere I read, every song I hear, even kid's shows I hear Jesus saying, "Follow me!"

Never mind this was Jesus' message to everyone throughout his ministry, I know that, but right now in my life, it just seems very personal.

I recently finished reading "Desperate" by Sally Clarkson and way convicted and inspired by her call to intentional motherhood. This morning I started another book by Clarkson called "Own Your Life." It's along the same lines, but with perhaps a bit more expanded of an outlook to include being intentional in your entire life, not just mothering. And so, as I read these things I am grateful that I have recently learned how I can do nothing apart from Christ and that even my best efforts will fail. If it weren't for that you would be seeing me here tightening the belt so to say, setting up my five step plan, and hitting it hard. And then I would be discouraged and give up until the next inspiring book comes around.

So I have been bombarded with abiding and depending. And reminded again that my job is to trust and God's job is to work and am excited to see what God is going to do through me. And grateful that He has given me the blessing of being used.

Instead of striving, I'm learning to listen. To literally say, "speak Lord, for your servant is listening," and then obeying what I hear. Listen and obey. Listen and obey. Be anxious about nothing, just listen and obey. Don't doubt, relax, listen and obey. Rest in the reality that "God is always here. And because God is here, it is safe." So I don't have to be doing and fixing something, I can trust and obey.

As I make supper I half listen to the DVD puppets in the next room, "That's always how God's plan starts: Someone hears God's voice, they believe and obey and they follow." And it makes me wonder what kind of big plan he might start with my first step of obedience.

As I ride my stationary bike in the basement at 6 a.m., I read a novel about cowboys and there's a sermon about Christ telling Peter to follow Him. Peter asks about the other fellow and Christ says, "What does that matter to you? Follow me." And he answers a question I didn't even know I was asking and I'm given peace and hope.

As I shower, I memorize Colossians 3 and it says, "It is the Lord Christ you are serving." And the refrain plays in my head as I read stories and empty puke bowls. And I rejoice that I don't have to do a work beyond my daily work: my daily work is where he wants me to follow.

I don't know about anyone else, but I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a "grown-up." Seeing other thirty-somethings with multiple kids, I never doubt their right to be considered "adult," but I don't classify myself with them. I even find myself thinking of them as older than me and sometimes wonder if I am really old enough to be making such decisions that I have to make, shouldn't there be someone else I need to ask? The fact of the matter is that I still consider my place to be at the children's table and oddly enough, I often am there anyway.

So, for that lingering doubt I have decided to compile a list. A "you might be a parent if..." list, although really, by this point it should be pretty obvious.

You might be a parent if...

...You have pleaded "please, throw the monkey and not the kaleidoscope."
...Getting the children seated for supper all with clean diapers gives you a sense of accomplishment.
...You have ever left a spilled snack on the floor in hopes that another sibling will come along and decide to eat it.
...While watching in the rear-view mirror your child throwing up in the back seat, you offer "well, try to keep it in your lap," and keep on driving.
...You've ever looked at your hands and pondered the "poop or chocolate?" question while really hoping it's chocolate because you could use some.
...You've ever felt it necessary to yell, "No! The cat is not a horse!"
...Or "Please, don't play the piano with the pumpkins."
...you have ever found a latched Rubbermaid tote filled half full with Ertl toys and half full of kittens.
...you've ever felt a need to yell,"No, it's not time to be naked!"
...if you've ever had to sweep one child and his puzzles out of the way so another child could use the toilet to puke in.
...if someone comes to you asking for a band-aid, you offer them a pompom, and they go away happy.

And the list goes on...

So, I just had to take a moment this morning to say how much it makes me smile that God cares about the little things.

I had a photobook at Shutterfly ready to order with a pretty good coupon already waiting to be used. As I open my e-mail this morning I pray, "Lord, if you wouldn't mind sending just one more Shutterfly coupon this morning that would be great." Because I mean who ever pays full price at Shutterfly? It's pretty much a rule just like Hobby Lobby. Anyways, two seconds later, waiting in my inbox is a 40% off your order for Shutterfly which is pretty much about as good as the discounts get there (believe me, I've tried all sorts of combinations, it's rare that they add up to any more than 40% off). Not only that, but it was the rare occasion where I could combine this coupon with the one I already had which is a miracle in and of itself.

Yes, I am waxing poetic about online coupons and photobooks BUT, the point is, God cares about the little things, even bringing a smile to my face with an e-mail. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

This is not a Joel Osteenian plug to get down on your knees and ask for a million bucks, this is a thank you for the little reminder that I need to be taking all things to my gracious Father and not fretting over details I can't control anyway.

When both Ann Voskamp and Hannah Whitall Smith write this morning about anxiety, I begin to think God is trying to get something through to me. I don't feel as if I have been particularly anxious lately, but maybe the thing lies more in the wording that Mrs. Smith uses: that I'm maybe not anxious about things, but I'm trying to "manage" it all on my own rather than giving the management of it over to Christ. Even, and first of all, the "management" of myself.

"In laying off your burdens, therefore, the first one you must get rid of is yourself. You must hand yourself and all your inward experiences, your temptations,your temperament, your frames and feelings, all over into the care and keeping of your God, and leave them there. He made you, and therefore He understands you and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it. Say to Him, "Here, Lord, I abandon myself to thee. I have tried in every way I could think of to manage myself, and to make myself what I know I ought to be, but have always failed..."

Isn't that what I spend much of my time worrying about? The management of my temptations, my feelings, etc.? Mrs. Smith goes on to point out how Christ calls us to be as little children in regards to trusting our Father to manage everything. And how it grieves Him when we do not. How would I feel if I saw my children living as if they could not trust me to provide for their needs? If they feared where their food and clothes would come from; could not rest securely that they would have a warm bed tonight; if I outlined the plan for the day and they said, 'I'm not sure, maybe we should do it my way'? They run to me with every little problem; sometimes painfully so. But would I not be sad to see them instead struggling to solve everything themselves because they feel they shouldn't bother me with it? I want my children, to a healthy extent, to enjoy the carefree mindset that blesses childhood, knowing without a doubt that their parents have their best interest in mind. And God calls us to trust like children, knowing without a doubt that our Father has our best interest in mind.

Even in regards to food and exercise.

I'm sorry if you're tired of it always coming to back to that for me. Feel free to insert your personal "thorn" here.

Wouldn't it be ridiculous to here a child, when offered dessert, say "Oh, I shouldn't"? Or hear them guiltily confess,"I can't eat that, I haven't run today." Instead, they either receive it with joy or they turn to their parent and ask if it would be good and wise for them to have it. Maybe those are the exact boundaries I have been searching for.

Mrs. Smith goes on from there in the same vein, "Next, you must lay off every other burden, -your health, your reputation, your Christian work, your houses, your children, your business, your servants (my yes, those servants are such a burden ;)); everything, in short, that concerns you, whether inward or outward."

Yes, this is a scary world we live in, but this has caused me to wonder: I want my children to be able to live at peace knowing that I, and ultimately God, will protect them; not hiding under the bed in fear of ISIS. How much more so doesn't our Father, who actually can affect complete protection and ultimate victory want to "keep (him) in perfect peace he who's mind is stayed on Thee"?

"Be careful for nothing" that is what Christ says to us through Paul. Can you paint a picture any more child-like than that? Not in an irresponsible sense, but in a sense of complete trust of the one that holds our world in His hands.

P.S. Have you noticed my lapse into old-English style of writing? Sorry, that's what I get from reading a book written in 1832. If I were reading an Irish book you would probably pick up on a certain brogue. ;)

Ah, a new year. So tempting! I love resolutions, lists, new starts. All those things a whole new year promotes. "This is the year I will become my best me! The rules that I put into place will do this for me. I can keep them ALL this time. By my own sheer will power. What I need is the right rules with just the right catchy wording and new book or pen with which to pursue them!"

Run away!

I cannot head down that path again. It is where I have lived for too long. And it obviously does not work.

As I was reading in Genesis this morning (yes,I just couldn't resist, I had to start at the beginning.) I was struck how God spent the week creating boundaries; for the land and the sea and the sky and the peoples. And they were good. The trouble starts when the woman tacked her own addendum to God's boundaries: "...But God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden (God's boundary), and you must not touch it (woman's boundary), or you will die.'

Why did she do that? Was that her way of saying that God was not enough? That His boundaries and His help to keep them was not sufficient and she would need her own little extra rule in order to measure up? Ah, the law and us legalists that love it!

All that to say, I'm not making any resolutions this year. Go ahead if you want to, you will probably be just fine and they will be helpful as they are intended to be. I have just learned that they are dangerous for me. Instead I'm pondering what I read a few days ago from Hannah Whitehall Smith, "Man's part is to trust; God's part is to work." This is so hard for me, but it is where I want to be. It's so much more restful than my own striving.

And not to contradict everything I just said, but there are two boundaries that I am convicted are God's and I want to keep my focus on. It might just happen to be a new year, and they might look like resolutions...but they're not...:) Because resolutions are life changes I try to make on my own strength. These are things that God calls us all to and I tend to forget. I'm writing them here for a little accountability from that impersonal universe that is the internet and my impressive collection of two followers. :)

1. Memorize scripture daily. I love it when God's word is constantly on my mind and love to see how it weaves its lessons throughout my day. Why do I forget to practice this so quickly?!

2. To say nothing negative to or about my husband, including to myself. This is not going to be a denial of reality, but rather a discipline of focusing on the many blessings I can see through Him and sometimes just shutting my mouth.

There you have it. All those things that are tumbling around in my head on this first day of the new year.

It's a yucky feeling to be told that you are "too much."

Not rocket science here, this thought of mine, but I'm not sure if I've stopped to really pinpoint the cause of this tightening of my gut that happens fairly frequently when we're away from home. I like to be in control; pretty sure we've established this already. When you have four young ones, or children in general really, it's one long lesson of giving up the need to be in control because you frequently aren't. God is teaching me to be ok with that, to guide rather than control my kids and to relax and embrace the crazy sometimes. But not everyone is in the middle of that same lesson right now. And so when my kids are around and the crazy is in full force and I catch on to someone else's discomfort as a result, I take it personally.

I get it; I've got a lot of little people going all directions and rarely quiet. They exhaust me too. But still, when they actually make those feeling obvious they might as well just pin a note on me:"You fail!"

And so I am left in a place of lonely up-tightness. Really not a big deal, but just sad. In contrast comes to mind the few places and friends that are ok with our circus. They embrace the crazy with me, or even make me more able to do it because they don't mind. It's restful. And I'm grateful for such people.

So then I get to thinking, what feeling do I convey to those around me? I'm rather ;) introverted and as I said before, I like to be in control. I often have felt overwhelmed by crowds and commotion. But, if I allow my rising stress level to determine the way I'm relating to those around me...and then they are hearing me say that they are too much. And all of the sudden I get what a rotten feeling that is.

I think it's good to know my limits, but who says they have to determine how I treat people? And isn't Jesus in the very business of blowing down my human limits and getting me rooted in Him so that I can better love Him and others? Is it really ok for me to get grumpy because the crazy level has surpassed my mental comfort level? Or can I instead give myself a shake and say, "it's really not too much, let it go." Am I willing to give up a little quiet and control in order to better love people?

I've got to be. I don't want to create this yucky feeling in my kids or in anyone else that comes into my home. I want them to be able to relax around me, to know that they are welcome and wanted, no matter what circus acts they bring. That's what Jesus did: he had His quiet times but He also fully embraced the crowds that swarmed Him. And I want the growth this stretching will bring. Little me, on my own, gets easily overwhelmed and so it gives me the perfect opportunity to say "I've got nothing, Lord, love through me!"

"Therefore, Christian, Abide in Christ; Do it now."

I'm not sure I can yet completely untangle the thoughts in my head, but, as I have learned from our current 1st Grade studies, you retain better what you have to narrate back. So I am going to make the effort.

As I've been pondering grabbing hold of grace on a day to day basis, today Murray offered the best way to learn to abide in Christ was just to do it. Every moment, as it comes to mind, as you find yourself with a moment for clear thought, as you find yourself struggling with sin, as you are not struggling but have already dove in head first; stop and say in your heart, "I abide in You." Over and over again, practice this rest and preach this truth to yourself. Because we know, that if you are a Christian, you do abide: that is the very crux of salvation, Christ has rescued you from the pit and tucked you under His protective wing. Nothing you do keeps you there, but also nothing can separate you from His love and protection. You might not be living like you are abiding, but that place of rest is waiting for you to claim it. And it is a gift, pure grace that, even in the midst of sin you can stop and confess and return. You don't have to fix it first, only admit that it needs to be fixed, that you need to be fixed, and He will do the work.

And so,I have been begging for self-control and I keep thinking of "the fruit of the Spirit is....self-control." So I wonder, how does one take hold of this "fruit of the Spirit"? This morning I read where Christ says "Abide in me.I am the vine, you are the branches, apart from me you can bear no fruit." And I feel silly. He literally has to spell it out for me. How do I bear fruit? Abide in Him. Not try harder, not do and say the right things for longer this time. Abide. Rest. Let the Vine support my every need even while the Gardener does the pruning needed. I love direct answers.